Well, where to start? I guess I start with the constant information that I've been reading about releasing. Releasing clutter, releasing relationships that do not serve your highest good, releasing expectations of a certain outcome, releasing self flagellation (or beating yourself up)....I have to admit THIS is one of my big issues. It is also the issue that brings me here today to tell the world (ok, or maybe just those that decide to take a minute) about why my give a damn is busted-or at least temporarily out of order.
I do have to mention that ever dreaded word-HORMONES. This could be a major contributing factor to this round of releasing being like a big ole sucker punch to the guts. Wait...let me re-quantify that, a big ole ROUND HOUSE KICK to the guts. There. Better. (don't you just love being a girl?) Well, for those of us that ARE girls.
Let's just say, I didn't look far enough ahead in the future to consider the ramifications of some words that I said. (this has happened way more than once over my life...but about twice in the immediate last few weeks) The ramifications of my words have brought me quite a bit of stress and worry. I don't like hurting anyone, even if I never intended my words to be taken in a manner that would be considered hurtful, and I don't like DRAMA. OMG...was there ever more hateful of a state? At least, it makes me completely and totally uncomfortable and anxious. I don't even really care for MOVIES that are considered DRAMA. For pete's sake, I used to have to leave the room when someone did something embarrassing on a television show because it made me anxious, why the hell would I intentionally do something in my real life that would create that kind of anxiety? Nevertheless, that's what happened. Once, I said something that someone could consider hurtful, and second, I said something that could possibly happen, in which case I didn't know any specifics and was speculating. In neither case, did I think ahead. Boy, what a mistake.
Now, I know that there's always a lesson (I said that once before already, didn't I?) My lesson right now is to think, really think about the things that I do or say to others. I've always felt that a true friend will consider you, along with themselves, when deciding to do something that may effect you. I didn't do that in either of these cases. For that oversight, I humbly beg forgiveness and apologize to those involved. The other lesson that I need to process right now is forgiving myself for reacting, and acting, in less than a manner of integrity.
AAAAaaaaaannndd.....this is where I keep kicking myself today. (Funny how I can forgive a friend so much more quickly than I can forgive myself. It also makes me think that those hermits of yesteryear were so completely on to something....no neighbors....no temptation...no DRAMA! oh, and no GIVE A DAMN! except in a cosmic/global sort of way) Now, I've considered doing just as the hermit has done and completely isolating myself.....I've never been a social butterfly and tend to have socially awkward moments, hence the wrong reaction/comeback said in the wrong tone that hurt someone's feelings but I do realize that this could be a slow death for someone like me who really does need to have some interaction with others. I probably will pull back quite a bit though...it's just my nature....hunker down, figure it out, and allow myself to heal, because not only do I believe that when we do something there is the possibility of hurting another, but I believe that if we do hurt another, we absolutely hurt ourselves. We're all ONE, right?
So right now, I'm getting ready to go into my hunker down phase. I tend to be a lot more cautious (good thing), and a lot less trustful (bad thing), when in this phase. At this time, I'll be able to re-evaluate and release and come out the other side all the stronger for it. Unfortunately, it's gonna be pretty much all about me and a lot less about being able to listen to everyone else. (For some reason, I have the sounding board phase of friendship pretty much down pat.) This time, I hope to have a lot of that "releasing" thing mastered too.